I fancy myself a copywriter. So I’m going to start breaking down pieces of advertising I see in the “wild” and share what I think is being done well and what could be done better.

The other day I got this gym flyer in the mail and immediately the headline stood out to me. It said “Need a new gym? Come check us out”. Now the opening question isn’t bad, in fact, it got my attention but the rest off the headline did nothing for me. “Come check us out” hmm, imagine that’s your sales pitch. Why don’t ya just come check us out. Why? Why would I come check you out?

The sub title said “we want you to feel safe, motivated and secure. We are more than a gym, we are your fitness solution.” Weak! Buzz words like safe, motivated, secure mean nothing if they aren’t tied to benefits or what is actually in it for the client. They wasted all that space to communicate nothing other than their gym is safe and a secure. Which, I hope so. we’re in Newport Beach, CA, if their gym isn’t safe and secure then what the hell are they doing.

So let’s start by seeing what we could do to improve the ad. Doing research, the first thing I did was pull up their site. They have a 220,000 square foot state of the art facility that hosts individual training, group training, adult sports leagues, youth sports leagues, an olympic swimming pool, and more! None of that was mentioned on the flyer.

That flyer just seems terrible when I actually look at the facility website.

I think a better title and sub title would be

Title— Need a new Gym? We offer safe and secure group and individual training in a state of the art facility.

Sub title– Our 220,000 square foot facility hosts an olympic swimming pool, group fitness classes, individual training, adult and youth sports leagues, and much more. Zero Money Down and Your First Month Free. Come Check Us Out! We’re right down the street!

They have all that cool stuff and didn’t mention it in their flyer once. Sure they had photos of it but man I didn’t realize how bad ass the place was until I checked out the website and even then it took me two visits to truly realize the potential of the place. I think they could do a lot to improve the user experience of their site and overall marketing.